RedState Gets No Love

It seems the brain trust at RedState requested – nay, demanded – that all candidates for the RNC Chairman position answer ten questions for them. Lest they incur the wrath of the Mightiest Conservative Blog EVAH!!!

To date, no one has responded. Those bastards.

Well, in the spirit of the holidays, I decided to throw these geniuses a bone, answer their questions for them and apply for the position. Much like Bush in 2000, I can't promise I'll actually do any of this. I'm just telling them what they want to hear.

1. Please state your qualifications for the job and why those qualifications make you the best choice.

  I am a white, heterosexual male and I fear change. Also, women in positions of authority scare me so much my nads retreat into my abdomen.

2. Please explain how you see the role of RNC Chairman.

  My job would be to rebuild the party from a regional one that is built on social conservatives and intolerance to a regional party that is built on social conservatives, intolerance and the use of token minorities to occasionally win state elections outside of the Deep South. That would include libertarians and godless heathens like Kathleen Parker.

3. Please outline how you see the role of RNC Chairman in terms of structuring the Republican message and platform.

  First I would require a purging of the heretics (with the exceptions of the minorities mentioned above) Maybe in some kind of midnight raid. And then a lot of rallies in big stadiums where we could all wear similar outfits to engender a common sense of purpose and will. Oh, do you know any architects that can design a stadium to hold 250,000 people? That will be important. Also, more hate of The Gays. Man, we can't get enough of that, right?

4. Please outline your goals for internal reform and/or restructuring of the RNC.

  I think we need one leader in perpetuity. And perhaps we should rewrite the bylaws of the party to require a pledge of personal devotion to that leader. Also, a personal guard for the leader, with some spiffy uniforms, would be nice.

5. Please explain your vision for expanding the GOP’s use of technology in the future and, in light of that, explain your preferred structure for the online apparatus of the RNC.

  Online apparatus?? This is the GOP, son. You do what we tell you to do. So I am thinking one page with your marching orders. That said, I am preferential to websites with that flashing Drudge light and maybe an animated doggie Oh, and I think a 24/7 channel of Sarah Palin would be great. If only because then Rich Lowry would stop bugging me for Palin photos and a bottle of Jurgens every other day. That guy has problems...

6. Please explain what steps and resources you would use to rebuild, reform, or otherwise repair state Republican parties that need restoration and/or strengthening.

  Loyalty pledges for sure. A deep commitment to talking about how government can't do anything and then proving it when we hold power. I think we should also make sure to profit immensely from any laws we hope to enact. So membership should be limited to people with a net worth of $250,000 or more. Also, I would promise free Mountain Dew and Cheetos at every party meeting. That would be sure to get us some new recruits.

7. Please explain what criteria you would use to vet and recruit winnable candidates.

  

• Candidates must drink Mountain Dew and eat Cheetos. This is non-negotiable.
• Candidates must hate Teh Gays even though their lifestyle would impact the candidate's life in no measurable fashion.
• Candidates must give lip-service to equality and race-blindness while pursuing policies that achieve the opposite.
• Candidates must have a healthy fear of independent women.
• Candidates must view sex not as an expression of desire, passion and love but as a method of procreation reserved strictly for married couples. The only position allowable is missionary.
• However, we should be willing to overlook the occasional blumpkin. Because that shit is off-the-hook freaky good.
• Did I mention hating Teh Gays?
  
• Not that it needs mentioning really, but all candidates should be white and have a penis.

8. Please explain how you would recruit effective candidates for the 2010 United States Senate races and how you would help those candidates.

  I think the criteria above would work well. Although we don't need any foot sex guys like Larry Craig, so that's out. I would help by ensuring a steady stream of Mountain Dew and Cheetos to every candidate's headquarters. I would also pimp out Sarah Palin (is that the right phrase?) to any candidate that requested her. And put her in some short skirts because...WOW! Am I right? Also, I'd write many editorials that contained numerous mentions of our Democratic opponents being "socialists' "terrorist-appeasers" "chicken-teasers" "Donkey-loving cockmongers" and "Jimmy Carters"

9. Please explain why the Republican Party should remain a pro-life party.

  Because if we give that up, who's going to vote for us? I mean, look at all these rubes. We start wars and get their kids killed. We run the economy into the ground and cost them their jobs and pensions. We poison their land and water and they start getting funky illnesses. But all we have to do is talk about abortion and they come running to pull the lever for us. Hell, if it wasn't for abortion Kansas would be a sea of blue.

These answers aren't going to be printed, are they?

10. Please explain what benchmarks you think would be fair to measure an RNC Chairman to determine if that Chairman has succeeded or failed in his task.
  I think the benchmarks are simple.

• Was there an adequate supply of Mountain Dew and Cheetos?
• Did we measurably increase hatred of Teh Gays while I was in charge?
• Did fear-mongering increase by at least 50%?
• Are white straight males even more in control of the power apparatus in America now than when I took control?
• Did we all make out like bandits in looting the national treasury?
• Was at least one indefensible war started by our party to benefit our corporate masters?

If I can answer "Yes" to all these questions, then my reign would have to be considered a success.