Let's Talk About Beer: Evil Twin - Bikini Beer

I have written before about a man's quest for a good light beer and the horrendous pitfalls one encounters along the way. At best, the light beer is inoffensive. At worst, I believe the phrasing I used was "hydrochloric acid spiked with urine".

So. Is it possible for a stout fellow to find a good beer that doesn't pack on the calories?

Yes. Yes it is. And it is all thanks to the mad genius at Evil Twin Brewing, Jeppe Jarnit-Bjergsø.

Bikini Beer is a light IPA. That, in and of itself, it pretty amazing. The overwhelming amount of light beers on the market are lagers. To have a light IPA is a rare thing indeed.

Now, I dont want to oversell the hopiness of the beer. It is a light beer, after all. It is as if they have dialed back the hops of your standard IPA about 50%. Definitely still there, but more like it is saying "hey" as opposed to smacking you in the face.

Frankly, it can do double-duty as a session IPA. It's a got a nice citrus-y zing to it and at 2.7% ABV you can drink it all day if you are so inclined. Especially when it is warm. It's a perfect summer beer.

And if you are looking to shed a few pounds in your middle-age, as I am, it's only 81 calories.

Yes, you read that right. 81 calories. 30 calories less than Bud Light. 15 less than Miller Lite. And about 100x more taste than both.

Really, the only possible drawback to this beer is if you are a guy who is somehow threatened by being seen drinking an IPA called Bikini Beer. If you are, then not only are you a fool, but you are missing out on what may be the best light beer today.

Find it. Drink it.

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Beer: Evil Twin Bikini Beer

ABV: 2.7%

Style: American IPA / Light

Price: Between $10 - $13 for a six-pack

Recommendation: Strong Buy

No Letters from a Kentucky Jail for Kim Davis

U.S. District Judge David Bunning has proven to be a master of situational control when dealing with the case of Rowan County Clerk (Who Doesn't Understand Her Job) Kim Davis.

Ms. Davis, who was jailed on contempt charges after refusing to do her job and issue marriage licenses to couple of both different and the same sex, was released from jail by Judge Bunning just mere hours before two of the dumber members of the GOP Candidate Clown Car were supposed to visit her while behind bars

This was after Judge Bunning jailed Kim Davis as opposed to fining her daily, so right-wing activists who are threatened by the mere concept of same-sex couples couldn't donate money to pay her fines. At every turn thus far, Davis has been denied her very obvious wish to be some kind of ersatz martyr, suffering for all of us so that we might be spared the idea of two men or two women having a loving, committed relationship sanctioned by the State.

Oh, the horror.

This will likely go on for a while. Because if it isn't Davis pulling this BS, it's a low-level judge in Tennessee refusing to sanction divorces in some muddled protest against same-sex marriage (or as I like to call it...marriage). Stupid is as stupid does, and this country has plenty of stupid to get out of its system.

But the bottom line is that same-sex marriages are legal and people like Davis need to get that through their thick heads. While they're at it, they should also stop using religion as cover for their bigotry. Jesus had this to say about same-sex marriage:

" ... "

Oh yeah. Nothing. But when it came to His Commandment for all of us?

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

Oh yeah! We're supposed to treat each other with love and as equals. As opposed to, say, substituting our bigotry for the law.

If you personally don't like same-sex marriage or certain people or S'mores or 65 Ford Mustangs, I don't give a damn. That's your baggage that you have to handle. But you don't get to impose that crap on other people and then claim "religious freedom" as your excuse for it. Especially when you are a government official and beholden to enforce the law.

Keep your idiocy to yourself.

Let's Talk About Beer: Evil Twin - Fire Water

I have a few loves in my life. First and foremost my family. But a close second and third are beer and spicy hot food. And at least those two don't hide my car keys after they finish eating dinner in their high-chair.

Most times when it comes to beer and that kind of heat, if you are enjoying them both it is as two separate elements. Beer and BBQ. Beer and hot wings. Beer and some crazy-ass Thai dish that feels like it's burning a hole right through your tongue.

But sometimes the most enjoyable way to consume beer and heat is as a cohesive, single beverage. One of my favorites was the Stone 11.11.11 Vertical Epic Ale which used anaheim chiles and cinnamon. Now anaheim chiles are not all that hot, so the 11.11.11 was mild but quite enjoyable. On the other end, also from Stone, was Punishment. The heat in that was akin to a nuclear blast and such that you needed another beer at the same time to quell the heat.

I don't find that quite as enjoyable. With beer, the only thing I enjoy in an "overpowering" fashion is hops. When you allow outside flavors to completely take over a beer, I feel like you lose part of what makes beer so enjoyable. The real trick with heat (or anything extra) when it comes to beer is to have one complement the other. That goes for fruit, bourbon barrel aging, whatever.

Which brings me to Evil Twin Brewery and their new release called Fire Water. If you aren't familiar with Evil Twin, it's a gypsy brewery started in Copenhagen, Denmark by Jeppe Jarnit-Bjergsø, who has since moved to Brooklyn. If the name Bjergsø sounds familiar, it's because Jeppe has a twin brother Mikkel. Mikkel Borg Bjergso runs Mikkeller. Oh, and because they hate one another.

Fire Water is a pale ale that has had jalapeno peppers added. Now, that may sound intimidating to some but you have to remember that the jalapeno isn't that much hotter than the anaheim chili. So you aren't talking about tear-inducing heat with this beer.

The first taste is that of any finely-crafted pale ale. And then the jalapeno hits. But it's interesting; the jalapeno gives you a hint of sweetness at first. That tails into a heat that isn't overwhelming at all. It lingers on the back of your tongue and while you notice it, it is not an unpleasant sensation. Even as it builds over drinking the bottle, it never reaches a point where it becomes uncomfortable.

Jeppe has really found the right balance with Fire Water. You notice the heat, but it never overwhelms the beer or the experience of drinking the beer. Which is the problem I had with Punishment. This is a good beer to drink while relaxing in the shade on a summer's day or while eating a burger. Or just because you like good beer.

Fire Water is a limited release. So if you can find it, buy it.

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Beer: Evil Twin Fire Water

ABV: 5.5%

Style: Pale Ale / Chile

Price: Between $10 - $12 for a 22 oz. bottle

Recommendation: Strong Buy

Review: Time Bandits (1981)

“God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!” – Evil Genius (David Warner)

Director: Terry Gilliam

Writers: Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin

Producers: George Harrison, Denis O'Brien, Terry Gilliam and Neville C. Thompson

Studio: HandMade Films

Major Stars: David Rappaport, Sean Connery, Ian Holm, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Katherine Helmond, Shelley Duvall, David Warner, Kenny Baker, Ralph Richardson, Craig Warnock

There are few directors that take more risks than Terry Gilliam. He is uncompromising in what he wants to show and how to show it. His films reward careful viewing and punish the lazy movie-goer. If you only watch Time Bandits with a casual eye, you'll miss out on an unique sci-fi film that is loads of fun to watch.

Gilliam tackles a theme no less than the evils of modernization. From the get-go, we see our protagonist, 10-year old Kevin (Warnock), ignored by his parents because they are obsessed with their television or the latest kitchen gadgets. Kevin is a dreamer, who reads books about ancient Greece and the Middle Ages. After a bizarre dream, he stays awake to see if it was a dream. Instead, a gang of dwarfs fall out of his closet.

They are on the run from the Supreme Being because they stole his map. A map that shows holes in time and space that one can use to travel anywhere. And when the Supreme Being finds them, Kevin joins them as they flee. Gilliam sets all this up in less than 10 minutes, which is how a film should work. It's amazing how many films screw around for 20-30 minutes before they get to the story itself.

The dwarfs are led by Randall (Rappaport). They worked for the Supreme Being until he demoted them, so they stole the map and decided to commit robberies in different times to become rich. Kevin is looking for something else; a father figure that pays attention to him. As they travel through time, they meet various people like Napoleon (Holm), Agamemnon (Connery) and, unfortunately for them, the Evil Genius (Warner). He wants the map to break free from his castle and destroy the Supreme Being, so he tries to lure the group to his castle that is stuck in the Time of Legends.

It's no mistake that Kevin finds the father figure he wants in Agamemnon; it's the time period in the movie most removed from modern technology. Just as it is no mistake that the Evil Genius is obsessed with technology. Gilliam makes the case that technology binds us and denies us our freedom and he hits that theme throughout the movie. Even the ending, as abrupt, shocking and arguably cruel as it is, is about liberating ourselves from technology and embracing the freedom our minds can provide.

There are parts of the film that are genuinely hilarious. Napoleon is obsessed with the height of great military leaders. Warner plays the Evil Genius so well that every scene with him gets a laugh or two. Ralph Richardson, as the Supreme Being, steals the end of the movie with his portrayal of the Almighty as a slightly absent-minded but all-powerful bureaucrat.

The Right and Wrong Way To Make Cider

For all that America loves her beer - and we do - cider was in many ways our national beverage back in the day. With water as likely to give you dysentery as hydrate you, cider was a safe drinking alternative in the early days of our nation. It wasn't until the waves of immigration in the 19th Century - where the newly-minted Americans came from regions in Europe that preferred beer - that cider slowly fell into relative obscurity.

That has changed recently, however. Hard cider is making a big comeback. And the ingenuity that small and micro-breweries have applied to beer is also being applied to cider making.

A good example of this new cider revival is Bantam Cider out of Somerville, MA. They make three ciders right now. The one I had is called Rojo. It is a simple cider, made with only four ingredients: apples, ale yeast, sour cherries and peppercorns. It is, without a doubt, one of the most delicious beverages, let alone ciders, that I have ever had.

It is crisp like a cider should be, but with a touch of sour cherry and a hint of spice at the end. You could drink this with dinner or watching the game. I really cannot recommend it enough. Not only because of the taste or because we should support small breweries/cideries*/distilleries (Which we should). It's also important because of the lack of crap in the ingredients.

As a comparison, here is a label from Johnny Appleseed Cider. This brand is owned by Anheuser-Busch, so you can probably see where this is going.

Dextrose AND Sucrose. Call me old-fashioned, but I have always felt that if you have to add sugar to your cider, you're doing it wrong. Yes, I understand that adding sugar ups the alcohol content. You know what else does? Honey. Maybe this is a personal objection more than anything else, but throwing all that sugar into cider is simply not appealing to me. A good, natural cider (like Bantam's Rojo) will hit 5-6% all on its own because of the natural sugars in the apples. Which is plenty good for a bottle of cider. If you want to get ripped, maybe a pint of Majorska vodka is what you're looking for.

And what, exactly, is "flavor"? How is "flavor" an ingredient? I honestly don't know this, so I went to the FDA site to see what "flavor" actually is. Here is their answer:

Movie Review: On the Beach (1959)

“Who would ever have believed that human beings would be stupid enough to blow themselves off the face of the Earth?” – Julian Osborne (Fred Astaire)

Director: Stanley Kramer

Writers: Nevil Shute (novel), John Paxton (screenplay)

Producer: Stanley Kramer

Studio: United Artists (later bought by MGM)

Major Stars: Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Anthony Perkins, Fred Astaire

When I re-watched On the Beach, I was struck by the similarity in theme with another movie on this list: Children of Men. Both, through different disasters, deal in part with how humanity would face a slow, inevitable end. Children of Men used the concept of global infertility while On the Beach used approaching lethal radiation from a nuclear war. But while Children ended with a guarded up-beat ending, On the Beach gives the viewer no such comfort.

The story, adapted from Nevil Shute’s novel of the same name, is a simple one. Nuclear war has irradiated the Northern Hemisphere and killed everyone there. As the radiation moves south, the only pockets of humanity left are in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and the southern extreme of South America. In the film, though, only Australia is mentioned as still having a human population.

An American sub, the USS Sawfish is stationed in Melbourne under the command of Captain Dwight Towers (Peck). When a mysterious Morse code is detected coming from America, Towers is ordered to determine who is sending the signal. That story is the spine of a larger tale; how a society handles its inevitable end.

It’s probably the most civilized “end-of-civilization” movie ever made. With few exceptions, people face their end with dignity, lining up to receive their suicide pills (also a shared idea with Children of Men) rather than face a painful death from radiation. The pills tie into the most poignant tale in the movie, that of Peter Holmes (Perkins). He’s an Australian naval officer with a young daughter and wife. When he leaves with the American crew to determine the source of the signal, he has to teach his wife how to kill the baby and herself if the radiation comes while he is gone. It’s heartbreaking to watch as his wife recoils at the idea. Ever more heartbreaking is near the film’s end when they accept the inevitable.

When you consider that this film was made in 1959, at the height of the Cold War, it took a lot of guts to make a film like On the Beach. It is unflinching in its condemnation of nuclear weapons and the testing of them. That is what society was debating at the time; the atmospheric testing of nuclear weapons. Put into that context the film takes on even more weight.

Bye-Bye Bourbon?

Before you think I have lost my mind or have decided to start drinking clear alcohol, hear me out.

The odious asshat pictured at the top of the page is Indiana Governor Mike Pence. He is a not-very-smart man. He recently proved this by signing a bill into law which, under the rubric of "religious freedom", allows for discrimination on the basis of religious belief. Not surprisingly, a lot of the country is calling this bullshit out.

The snark in me wants to say the best way to protest this would be for companies in Indiana that are opposed to this law to use it to refuse service to right-wing Christians. Because they always seem to be shocked that a good portion of their poorly-written laws can be used against them.

But no. There is another way. That dovetails nicely with a pet peeve of mine.

When it comes to booze, I am a stickler for truth. If you say your scotch is aged 12 years, it damn well better be 12. If you say your beer has three different kinds of hops, you best not be lying about it.

And if you are going to say your bourbon is "hand-crafted" like you spent a decade+ making it? Well, you had better be telling the truth.

That is where Lawrenceburg, Indiana and MGP enter the story.

Lawrenceburg, Indiana (not to be confused with bourbon-locale Lawrenceburg, Kentucky) is home to a massive brick complex that cranks out mega-industrial quantities of beverage-grade alcohol. The factory, once a Seagram distillery, has changed hands over the decades and was most recently acquired by food-ingredient corporation MGP. It is now a one-stop shop for marketers who want to bottle their own brands of spirits without having to distill the product themselves.

Their products are well-made, but hardly what one thinks of as artisanal. And yet, much of the whiskey now being sold as the hand-crafted product of micro-distilleries actually comes from this one Indiana factory.

I encourage you to read the whole piece as it is quite enlightening. And you can also find out the companies that use MGP as their source of whiskey. And then stretch the truth about where it comes from. And there are some big names on there as well, like W.H. Harrison Bourbon, Breaker Bourbon and Hooker's House.

So you have a state wanting to legalize discrimination in the name of God (which I personally think He is not cool with, BTW) and that same state housing the source of a lot of whiskey-laced lies. What to do, what to do, what to do...

This Is What You Give People When You Wish They Were Dead

I am blessed to live in a part of these United States where the craft beer movement is deep and strong. Within a 15-mile radius of where I live I can access some of the best beer being made in the US, if not the world. And we have the specialty dealers who can get us the beer from further away.

I am less blessed in having a physique that rivals Pablo Sandoval's, but without the innate ability to hit a baseball for millions of dollars a year. And as I move firmly into middle-age, it's become apparent that has to change.

I could stop drinking beer. But let's be honest, that's insane. There's a reason it's one of the oldest beverages created by Man. Not drinking beer is going against a biological imperative passed down through the ages.

So you have to find the right beer to drink. A good one you can find in stores is Founders All Day IPA. It's not a light beer, but it is lower in calories than most other craft beers. There is a style of beer called Berliner weisse that is pretty low-calorie. It's tart but light (a German sour to be precise), definitely a warmer-weather beer. This is much harder to find but there are a few breweries in the US (New Glarus in Wisconsin, Bear Republic and The Bruery in CA among others) making this beer.

Then there are the mass-produced stand-byes. If you grew up in the 70s and your dad drank beer (told you I was middle-aged), then Miller Lite is a part of your childhood memories. If you want to go foreign, then Kirin Light is actually pretty-damned tasty. You can drink these and still be satisfied, even if it is not up to the quality of a craft light beer.

And then there are the evil beers.

Let's be clear - I am not talking about Keystone or the Beast here. Those beers never pretend to be more than they are; cheap alternatives for broke college students. You can't hate on a product that is honest about what it is.

Movie Review: Highlander (1986)

“I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.” – Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert)

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Writer: Gregory Widen , Peter Bellwood and Larry Ferguson

Producers: E.C. Monell, William N. Panzer and Peter S. Davis

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Major Stars: Sean Connery, Christopher Lambert, Clancy Brown, Roxanne Hart, Jon Polito

Highlander always struck me as a film that just needs to be remastered to become a very good movie. Better special-effects, clean up the film stock, and get rid of the wrestling intro (the latest version cleaned the film stock nicely). There has to be a better way to get MacLeod and Fasil into that parking garage.

Despite the horrendous sequels that followed it (and a moderately-decent television series), Highlander remains a fun little film about Immortals, the price they pay for eternal life and why they all want to kill each other. We aren’t talking classic here, but it’s not crap either.

You all know the story, yes? So I don’t have to re-hash the anguished tale of Connor MacLeod? Good. Suffice it to say, Christopher Lambert’s almost-lazy, sometimes undecipherable speech works very well in this role. If you were a 400-year old Immortal, wouldn’t life bore you to tears as well?

Clancy Brown is fantastic as Kurgan, one of the best movie villains ever. Completely evil and insane, he steals every scene he is in. I love Brown as an actor. If you want to see him absolutely kick-ass on-screen, check out HBO’s Carnivale on DVD, where he played Justin Crowe. Or, for a more kid-friendly product, he’s also the voice of Mr. Krabs on Spongebob Squarepants. A multi-talented man is Clancy Brown.

Then there is Sean Connery as Ramirez, the Spanish-named Egyptian with a Scottish accent via Japan who’s over 2000 years old. It’s definitely a one-of-a-kind role. Connery hams it up a bit but it works because he has so much fun with the character. And Ramirez is an interesting guy, willingly training a fellow Immortal whom he may have to fight someday in the future.

The sword-fights are fun to watch (if basic), as are the vignettes of Connor’s life. My favorite is the duel where he is repeatedly run through with a sword without effect. And there is the undercurrent of the pain he suffers as an Immortal, watching his wife grow old and die, with no children to their name. And how that has made him a bitter and distant man.

Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds (2009)

"You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'." – Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt)

Director: Quentin Tarantino

Writers: Quentin Tarantino

Producer: Lawrence Bender

Studio: The Weinstein Company (USA)

Major Stars: Brad Pitt, Christoph Waltz, Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger

In the genre of exploitation films, there are numerous sub-genres. The blaxploitation film, rape-revenge, splatter, sleaze...the different types seem almost endless. But one that hasn't been explored yet is the World War II exploitation film*.

That has changed. In Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds we have been given our first exploitation film covering WW2. And it kicks ass.

The multi-pronged story should be familiar to most of you by now. A unit of Jewish-American soldiers, led by Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt), are air-dropped into Occupied France to terrorize the Germans. They take scalps and bash in heads, the bashing courtesy of "The Bear Jew", Sergeant Donny Donowitz (Eli Roth) and his bat. They even have a German soldier who murdered Gestapo officers (Hugo Stiglitz, played by Til Schweiger) in their band. At the same time, a cinema owner in Paris who happens to be a Jew using a false identity is forced to host a German film premiere attended by the Nazi hierarchy, which is targeted by an Allied OSS operation. And tying all these different stories together is SS Colonel Hans Landa, "The Jew Hunter", played by Christoph Waltz.

The title may say "Inglourious Basterds", but the story is Landa's. He ties it all together. Nothing in the story would happen (except for one scene) without his involvement. And Waltz plays him to perfection. He is smooth, polite, intelligent and deadly. The opening scene where a Jewish family hiding under the floorboards in a French farmhouse are discovered and killed by Landa's unit is some of the best film-making you will ever see. Landa is exceedingly polite to the French farmer, but you know from the first how dangerous Landa is. From beginning to end, no other character grabs your attention like Landa. Waltz won the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for the role, and he deserved it. In a perfect world Waltz would have won the Best Actor award. That is how good Waltz is in Inglourious Basterds.

The sole survivor of the Jewish family massacred in the opening scene is Shoshanna Dreyfus (Melanie Laurent), who becomes the aforementioned cinema owner. She is the second most important character to this film. Dreyfus puts the climactic scene into action, an act of Jewish revenge upon the Nazi elite that is stunning and beautifully shot. But it begins to make you wonder why Tarantino named this film Inglourious Basterds when they are, in many ways, tangential at best to the unfolding story.

This isn't to degrade their performances. Pitt chews a bit of scenery as Raine but is a very enjoyable character, one that reminded me more than a little of Lee Marvin's Major Reisman in The Dirty Dozen. Roth is obviously enjoying his role as Donowitz, even as he mangles a Boston accent**. And Schweiger's Stiglitz is memorable in the short time we get to know him. But by and large, the Basterds are mostly ciphers who appear only a few times before the film's conclusion.

Poor Have Plenty of "Skin In the Game"

He's the real victim, here.

In the 2012 Presidential election, one of the common lines of attack from the Republicans and Mitt Romney was that 47% of Americans were, in essence, moochers. That they took from the government and gave nothing back. The solution? Make them pay more in taxes so that they, too (according to Romney and Pals), had "skin in the game".

So while the petulant whining and butthurt from all these millionaires and billionaires amounted to another defeat, the idea that the poor have it easy and need to pay more in taxes persists. Which makes the news that the poor actually do pay plenty in taxes all the more interesting.

When it comes to the taxes closest to home, the less you earn, the harder you’re hit.

That is the conclusion of an analysis by the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy that evaluates the local tax burden in every state, from Washington, labeled the most regressive, to Delaware, ranked as the fairest of them all.

According to the study, in 2015 the poorest fifth of Americans will pay on average 10.9 percent of their income in state and local taxes, the middle fifth will pay 9.4 percent and the top 1 percent will average 5.4 percent.

Now, of course, these are not federal taxes so you'll have plenty of Republicans say this doesn't matter. But remember, the complaint was that the poor paid nothing into the system, they were "moochers". When, in fact, they pay plenty into the system.

The reason is simple. Sales taxes, excise taxes, even property taxes, are regressive taxes that take up a larger percentage of low-income wages than the incomes of the one percent. Paying a 6% sales tax on milk, or a television, hits someone making $30,000 a lot more than someone making $300,000. And when a state relies on that kind of income, the result is an unequal system where people who need money the most are the ones without it.

The result is a self-perpetuating system where low-income families are always behind and trying to catch up while the wealthiest pay relatively little. Which, to a rational person, is insane since you cannot build a healthy economy by catering to the economic concerns of a tiny minority of people.

The Face of GamerGate

These are the brave warriors fighting a battle for ethics in journalism by...viciously slandering and attacking women.

“I have been terrified of inviting a deluge of abusive and condescending tweets into my timeline. I did one simple @ reply to one of the main victims several weeks back, and got a flood of things I simply couldn’t stand to read directed at me. I had to log offline for a few days until it went away. I have tried to re-tweet a few of the articles I’ve seen dissecting the issue in support, but personally I am terrified to be doxxed (having personal information such as an address, email or real name released online) for even typing the words ‘Gamer Gate.’”

As has been noted, the targets of this vile insanity are almost exclusively women. Men talking against GamerGate and it's mouth-breather adherents don't get nearly the same kind of response. I'll let you discern why that may be.

But to make this all really simple...

Fuck GamerGate, GG, #GamerGate or whatever the Hell they want to call it. Fuck every little WATB who thinks that slagging and attacking women is somehow acceptable.

Sorry women scare you so much, brohams. But it's the 21st Century. Get the fuck over yourself.

Even the Power of Jesus Won't Get You 10 Points With This Guy

I am not a fan of Tim Tebow. Not at all. For a variety of reasons. Chief among them is that he inspires an insane level of slavish devotion coverage from the media for reasons I cannot quite comprehend. It can't be because he is a good quarterback because, brother, he flat out sucks at slinging the ball.

Nevertheless, the Legend of the Mediocre Messiah persists. To the point that, even though Tebow hasn't played a competitive game in almost two years, people are still putting him on their fantasy football teams.

According to NFL on ESPN, Tim Tebow was owned by 1.3 percent of teams in ESPN’s fantasy leagues as of Tuesday, despite the fact he hasn’t played an NFL game since Dec. 30, 2012.

Surprisingly, he actually beat out an NFL Week 1 starter: Jaguars quarterback Chad Henne, who appears on just 0.8 percent of teams in ESPN leagues.

That. Is. Insane. Granted, Henne isn't a great QB either. But the guy is starting a game while Tebow is working for the SEC Network. You may as well put Steve Young or Y.A. Tittle on your squad while you're at it.

Seriously, people. Tebow sucks at QB. Just let it go.

Review: Aliens (1986)

“They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the goddamn walls!” – Private Hudson (Bill Paxton)

Director: James Cameron

Writers: Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett (Characters), David Giler and Walter Hill (Story), James Cameron (Story and Screenplay)

Producer: Gale Ann Hurd

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Major Stars: Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Lance Henriksen, Paul Reiser, Bill Paxton

James Cameron can make overblown crap like Titanic and come off like an arrogant jerk, but I’ll always love the guy because he gave us Aliens. It’s one of those films that makes you forgive the foibles and flaws of anything else that director does.

Do I have to go into detail about just why this is one of the best movies ever made, let alone sci-fi movies? Aliens is a perfect blend of suspense, action and horror that locks you in from the start and never gives your attention a chance to wane or your eyes to wander.

For the 14 people who haven’t seen it, Aliens picks up where the original left off, with Ripley (Weaver) floating through space in her lifeboat after destroying the Nostromo and the Alien that had come on board. She is picked up and brought to Gateway Station, orbiting Earth. There she finds out 57 years have passed and her employers (Weyland-Yutani) have lost contact with a colony on the planet LV-426. That is the planet Ripley’s original ship visited 57 years ago and where it picked up the Alien.

From there the film becomes a rescue mission; Ripley is assigned as an adviser to a squad of Marines being sent to LV-426 to find the colonist. Going with them is a Weyland-Yutani rep named Burke (Reiser). They reach the planet and quickly discover everything has gone horribly, horribly wrong. Then things go horribly, horribly wrong for them and the film shifts to a survival story; the rescue group has to get off-planet before the power system for the colony goes critical and kills them all in an explosion.

That’s part of what makes Aliens great; it changes mid-stream into a different story and re-captures your interest. It is just a really satisfying movie. The actions scenes are great. The atmosphere is creepy. The actors do a great job with the story. And it is well-written; with an antagonist like the Alien, it is easy to make them too powerful or to over-compensate and make the heroes too powerful. Cameron did a nice job recognizing that Ripley and the Marines could beat the Aliens, but they’d have to be very resourceful and lucky to do so. It makes the payoff at the end that much more satisfying.

And the tension…One of the smartest things they did in Aliens was use those hand-held movement trackers. There is one scene where they barricade themselves in a room and Private Hudson (Paxton) is tracking the Aliens coming towards their position. He calls the distance as they get closer, but they don’t see or hear the Aliens. Hudson is finally calling a distance that would mean they’re in the room. The tension is absolute at this point; my back still gets tense and I’ve see this film more times than I can count. Everyone looks up at the air vents. Corporal Hicks (Biehn) pokes his head up there to take a peek and...chaos.

Let's Talk About Whisky: The Macallan 12

I didn't really start drinking whiskey of any sort until my mid-20s. Until that point it was beer, vodka and rum ... your usual college-age triumvirate of memory-impairing liquids. But after graduation and moving to Boston (and getting a job with some actual disposable income), I started drinking Jameson.

Jameson* is still a favorite of mine. It's a perfectly drinkable Irish whiskey. Well-done year after year, it is a great "gateway" to the more intense Irish whiskeys like the Redbreast 15 or the Bushmills 16.

In my 30s I finally moved into Scotch single malts. And one of the first I had was the Macallan 12. It was also the last time I had it until I bought a bottle a few weeks ago. Ideally, the Macallan 12 should perform the same job as Jameson. They're only about five feet away from one another on a supermarket shelf. They occupy a similar price point. The Macallan 12 should be the Scotch that brings new people into trying single malts.

And yet a decade went between me trying the Macallan 12 the first time and now. The whisky that finally brought me in was, of all things, the Talisker 10. A great single malt, but not one you would give to a first-time whisky drinker. But that is neither here nor there.

The Macallan 12 is not a bad single malt. But for me, it's not exactly good either. I'm not one to talk about "noses" and "palates" and all that. But I just felt the sherry taste really overwhelmed the entire experience. And the finish was very, very, harsh. I don't know if I would go as far as to say it is bitter, but it's not enjoyable.

And this is a problem because to non-whisky drinkers one of the few names that may be known to them is Macallan. Because they see it on the top supermarket shelf along with Laphroaig and Glenmorangie. And odds are that when someone wants to try a Scotch single malt for the first time, a Macallan 12 will be selected quite a few times.

And if my first taste of whisky is harsh on my tongue and makes me think I should have just bought a bottle of Sandeman Armada Oloroso instead ... that's not going to make me seek out other single malts.

My Five Favorite Films From...1994

Honorable Mention – Natural Born Killers: I have a story to tell about this film but I will save it for another time. Very intense, bloody and off-the-charts nuts, but it’s well-made and definitely worth seeing.

5. Hoop Dreams: Even now I think this stands as one of the better documentaries of the past 20 years or so. It was a sin against common sense and general decency that it wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award that year.

4. Clerks: To many this is still Kevin Smith’s best movie*. I think it holds up as one of the better comedies of my generation. The sequel…not so much.

3. The Shawshank Redemption: If this was a list about quality, this would be first in a cakewalk. The best adaptation of a Stephen King story ever**. Still amazes me whenever I watch it.

2. Léon (The Professional): A huge sleeper film that caught everyone by surprise and is now recognized by many as one of the better movies ever made***. Not a down moment the entire movie. And it still amazes me that this was Natalie Portman’s first film. Who acts like that their first time out?

Why am I Subsidizing Boner Pills?

In the wake of five men on the Supreme Court deciding that corporations, provided they are "closely held", can have religious preferences, the scene is set for some bad things to happen.

First bad thing: this is another "one-off" decision by the conservative wing of the Supreme Court to get a result that following precedent would have denied them. Just like Bush v. Gore, it is an on-the-fly decision tailored to get the result they want. The Hobby Lobby case will not apply to all corporations, and (according to the judges) not even all health care options. Just 16 different kinds of contraception for women who happen to work for "closely-held" corporations.

And yes, it's all of them. One of the arguments after the decision was that the ruling only applied to the four kinds of contraception that Hobby Lobby supporters called "abortifacents". Their use of the term, unlike actual science, is more of a pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo catch-all word wrapped up in the Shroud of Turin. It has less to do with worrying about an egg smaller than the point of a needle and more about their need to go all Helen Lovejoy:



Yes, won't somebody think of the children? Because with decisions like this, our children are going to grow up in a very fucked up society.

Second bad thing: "Closely-held" corporations are a lot more prevalent than you think. According to this piece in the Wall Street Journal, up to 90% of American companies qualify as "closely-held".

The Internal Revenue Service defines a closely held company as a corporation that has more than 50% of the value of its outstanding stock directly or indirectly owned by five or fewer individuals at any time during the last half of the tax year. It also cannot be a personal-service corporation.

Massive corporations like Mars Inc. and Cargill Inc. actually qualify as "closely-held" companies. Those two companies alone employ over 200,000 people.

Now, will all these companies follow Hobby Lobby and discriminate against women and their health-care choices? Likely not. Least of which because it makes your company look ignorant, backwards and ridiculous.

But now there is a legal stamp of approval to do something like this. It creates a constant sense of concern for women because now they could lose a part of their health care.

Third bad thing: There is no guarantee this stops here. Remember the first bad thing about conservative court members trying to limit this religious exemption? There is no guarantee that will happen. Justice Ginsberg, in a stinging dissent, made it clear that the Court had entered some very dangerous territory.

Approving some religious claims while deeming others unworthy of accommodation could be 'perceived as favoring one religion over another,' the very 'risk the [Constitution's] Establishment Clause was designed to preclude.

"The court, I fear, has ventured into a minefield."

And it has. Now that the Court established that a corporation can have religious beliefs, trying to tell a closely-held corporation run by Jehovah's Witnesses that they have to cover transfusions is going to be a rough sell. And in the end, I don't see how the Court could make them do it because of the Establishment Clause.

In short, because Alito, Scalia and the other three are scared of vaginas, we're going to have a Constitutional crisis sometime in the next 10 years or so over this topic. Thanks a lot, guys.

But really, I just want to know one thing...

Why am I subsidizing boner pills?

Okay Climate Change Deniers, Here's Your Chance to Make $10,000

My suggestion, though, is that you don't spend it before you win it. Because the chance you actually win this $10,000 is very, very, very...hell, it's zero. The chance you win this money is zero.

Despite the scientific proof, the overwhelming scientific proof that human-instigated climate change is real, there are some ignorant people out there who refuse to believe it. Unfortunately, a good number of these ignorant fools are Republicans in the federal government.

Anyway, this refusal to acknowledge fact has some very real repercussions. Rising tides, drought, disrupted weather patterns...oh, and the end of our way of life as we know it today. That also happens down the road. But none of that matters to these brave deniers of truth. For reasons that usually go "Obama...UN...socialism...no freedom!!!"

Well, one scientist is now giving these fools the chance to profit.

Outraged by the unsavory tactics of climate change deniers, physicist Christopher Keating says he'll give $10,000 to anyone who can use the scientific method to prove that human-instigated climate change isn't real.

Keating has been involved in one way or another with climate change for the past three decades. He's been a professor of physics for over 20 years and has taught at the U.S. Naval Academy and the U.S. Coast Guard Academy.

Keating taught at Annapolis and New London? Well, there goes the "He's a god-hating liberal" argument out the door. That's going to put these deniers in a tough spot before they even start.

Actually, there are two prizes. $10,000 to anyone who can "prove — via the scientific method — that anthropogenic climate change is not real". In other words, simply saying "It used to be cold a long time ago. Humans exhale CO2 - how can it be bad??" isn't going to cut it.

But if that is too heavy of a lift, Keating will give you a grand to "anyone who can provide any scientific evidence at all that it isn't real."

C'mon deniers!! You talk all the time about all this "evidence" that disproves man-made climate change. But it's ignored or suppressed or what have you. Now's your chance! Make a grand and show this remarkably-qualified scientist that he's wrong.

Something tells me that Dr. Keating's money is safe.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic, half of the US is in drought right now. Sure that has nothing to do with climate change.

The Awesome Nick Offerman as The Narrator in The Gunfighter is ... Awesome

One of the oldest narrative tools in film is the voice-over. A way to convey information to the audience, or storyline information to the audience while keeping characters on-screen ignorant of that information, they can be useful or clunky or outright bad.

Good voice-overs add to the narrative. An example would be anything from Goodfellas



Bad voice-overs cover for holes in a weak script. Or add nothing to the film. The voice-over that was added to Blade Runner fits this description perfectly. Forced to add it in by the studios, the rumor is that Harrison Ford intentionally delivered it poorly so it would have to be cut. It didn't work and the film was released with voice-overs in 1982.



But now comes the short film The Gunfighter which presents a different take on the voice-over. What if everyone on screen could hear the voice? And what if Nick Offerman were said voice? The results are pretty fantastic.

The Best Thing About USA vs Portugal

Yeah, being brought down to a tie in what was literally the final seconds of a match sucks. Tying Portugal 2-2 feels more like a loss than a draw. But it leaves the US in control of their own destiny. Win or tie with Germany and the USA is into the knockout rounds. Considering the same holds for Germany, my guess is we'll see a boring, defensive draw that benefits both sides. But who knows.

But that is something to worry about come Thursday. For now, let's forget Michael Bradley's horrendous ball control in midfield and Geoff Cameron's seeming inability to properly mark someone coming into the six-yard box. And let's rejoice in the most beautiful goal I have ever seen an American score in the World Cup.



Jermaine Jones plays in Germany for Schalke 04, though he has been loaned out a bit and finished last year on loan to Turkish side Beşiktaş. He is one of the oldest players on the American squad at 32 years of age. He is usually known for committing fouls.

But Jones has become a rampaging monster of doom in the center of the pitch in this World Cup. He is playing hard but smart and has been the USA's most consistent player. And then that goal...Messi couldn't have done it better.

Also, we all owe some retroactive thanks to President Truman and Secretary of State Marshall who made sure the US stayed involved in Europe after WW2. Without US servicemen in Germany, we'd be without not only Jermaine Jones but John Brooks as well and would likely be going home at this point.