March 3, 2015

This Is What You Give People When You Wish They Were Dead

I am blessed to live in a part of these United States where the craft beer movement is deep and strong. Within a 15-mile radius of where I live I can access some of the best beer being made in the US, if not the world. And we have the specialty dealers who can get us the beer from further away.

I am less blessed in having a physique that rivals Pablo Sandoval's, but without the innate ability to hit a baseball for millions of dollars a year. And as I move firmly into middle-age, it's become apparent that has to change.

I could stop drinking beer. But let's be honest, that's insane. There's a reason it's one of the oldest beverages created by Man. Not drinking beer is going against a biological imperative passed down through the ages.

So you have to find the right beer to drink. A good one you can find in stores is Founders All Day IPA. It's not a light beer, but it is lower in calories than most other craft beers. There is a style of beer called Berliner weisse that is pretty low-calorie. It's tart but light (a German sour to be precise), definitely a warmer-weather beer. This is much harder to find but there are a few breweries in the US (New Glarus in Wisconsin, Bear Republic and The Bruery in CA among others) making this beer.

Then there are the mass-produced stand-byes. If you grew up in the 70s and your dad drank beer (told you I was middle-aged), then Miller Lite is a part of your childhood memories. If you want to go foreign, then Kirin Light is actually pretty-damned tasty. You can drink these and still be satisfied, even if it is not up to the quality of a craft light beer.

And then there are the evil beers.

Let's be clear - I am not talking about Keystone or the Beast here. Those beers never pretend to be more than they are; cheap alternatives for broke college students. You can't hate on a product that is honest about what it is.

No, the evil beer is the one that pretends to be a quality alternative and is actually comparable to bile. And that beer, my friends, is Miller 64.

Miller 64 is Satan in brew form. Miller 64 is hate and anguish in a can. Miller 64 is what you give someone you wish was dead. If the President gave Vladimir Putin a can of Miller 64, World War III would happen tomorrow.

Miller 64 gave you snappy songs and happy, pretty people. They work hard and play hard! And at night, they unwind with a light beer that satisfies.

Lies. Dirty, dirty lies.

I tried this out of a desire to have a beer and not kill my attempt to lose weight. After drinking it, I'd rather be fat and enjoy the shortened, likely-diabetic years I have left than drink this swill until I die bitter at 90.

Miller 64 tastes like someone peed in a can and spiked it with hydrochloric acid. And that is being charitable.

If you see someone drinking this, you have a imperative as a human being to knock it out of their hands.

For the love of all that is decent in this world, never drink Miller 64. And then maybe Miller will take all the remaining stock and bury it a hundred miles underground in Nevada next to all our nuclear waste.


Beer: Miller 64

ABV: 2.8%

IBU: I assume it is 0. Possibly a negative number.

Price: You should be paid if you actually try to drink this.

Recommendation: It should all be loaded onto a rocket and shot directly into the sun.


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